• Emotional Intelligence (EI) does not mean merely "being nice." At strategic moments it may demand not being nice, but rather, for example, bluntly confronting someone with an uncomfortable but consequential truth they’ve been avoiding.

• Emotional intelligence does not mean giving free rein to feelings and "letting it all hang out." Rather, it means managing feelings so that they are expressed appropriately and effectively, enabling people to work together smoothly toward their common goals.

• Women are not "smarter" than men when it comes to emotional intelligence, nor are men superior to women. Each of us has a personal profile of strengths and weaknesses in these capacities. Some of us may be highly empathic but lack some abilities to handle our own distress; others may be quite aware of the subtlest shift in our own moods, yet be inept socially.

• It is true that men and women as groups tend to have a shared, gender-specific profile of strong and weak points. An analysis of emotional intelligence in thousands of men and women found that women, on average, are more aware of their emotions, show more empathy, and are more adept interpersonally. Men, on the other hand, are more self-confident and optimistic, adapt more easily, and handle stress better.

• In general, however, there are far more similarities than differences. Some men are as empathic as the most interpersonally sensible women, while some women are every bit as able to withstand stress as the most emotionally resilient men. Indeed, on average, looking at the overall ratings for men and women, the strengths and weaknesses average out, so that in terms of total emotional intelligence, there are no sex differences.

• Our level of emotional intelligence is not fixed genetically, nor does it develop only in early childhood. Unlike IQ, which changes little after our teen years, emotional intelligence seems to be largely learned, and it continues to develop as we go through life and learn from our experiences.

• Studies that have tracked people’s level of emotional intelligence through the years show that people get better and better in these capabilities as they grow more adept at handling their emotions and impulses, at motivating themselves, and at honing their empathy and social adroitness. The old-fashioned word for this growth in emotional intelligence was “maturity.”

Reference: Daniel Goleman, Working with Emotional Intelligence (1998)